In the Wind

Here I am again, feeling the need to write. I have so much on my mind lately, and as every day passes I'm finding it harder, and harder to remain positive. School is going good I guess, which is a good plus, but the rest seems to be a giant mess right now. I just don't know how I feel about anything anymore, and I'm losing myself. I don't know when it happened, but I seem to have passed over into some world where no one can be trusted. Where I don't know how to navigate my way through, and I feel like every step could potentially land me on a mine. I hate this feeling of constant fear, and insecurity. I hate the mistrust running through me, and I hate having actual valid reasons for that mistrust. Some of the most important relationships in my life, are suffering. I don't know what to do, or what to say, or how to get it across that certain things are genuinely just not okay.

I fear that men are no longer honourable, that there is no such thing as a truly sacred, trusting, and honest relationship. Now a days things like porn, and Facebook, and even online dating sites make it so easy for men and women a like to find ways of mistreating their significant other without even realizing the actual pain it will cause their partner. 

Maybe its old fashioned of me, and I suppose I shall never find it, but to me a relationship is between you and the person you have chosen. Your eyes might wander a bit, but your thoughts, feelings, and actions shouldn't stray. If you truly love someone, there is nothing you wouldn't do for them, there is nothing you would want to do that hurts them, one of the best quotes I have ever heard summarizes exactly what love is and should still be to this day. 

"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offence and it is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes."

Alas I fear that a lot of those values are getting blown away in the wind, and I'm alone on my island standing somewhere in the past when values like this meant the most, I just hope that I can somehow manage to make my island bigger, and share it.

Comic Expo

Comic Expo

Hello to all,

It’s been a long time since I wrote a blog post, and usually I try and promise myself that I will do this more often. However, this time I'm not going to bother making that promise because…well…life keeps getting in the way. Haha. Things haven’t been very easy since November 2015, but I know that just like all the other times I've hit some tough walls, that I can and will break through it. I am just so thankful that I have my boyfriend, Ethan, my best friends, and my mom. I would be so lost without them all right now. I have officially started college which is a positive, although I'm ahead in my modules by a full week. So now I'm left with nothing to do until the 20^th and I sadly still have to come to school and sit here and stare at the computer screen. If only I didn't know Microsoft Word so well, this wouldn't have ended up happening, but alas I am sure I will be able to find ways to occupy myself during the 4 hour school days.

In other news the title of this blog post is Comic Expo, because I am able to attend the Calgary Comic Expo at the end of April, which has me very excited. I will be cosplaying as Wonder Woman, and attending on the Saturday and Sunday only (not allowed to miss any school days). This will only be my second time attending the Calgary Con, and my second time cosplaying for a Con. I was Tauriel in Edmonton’s this past fall (although everyone thought I was Link from Zelda, cosplay fail). I am going to start working on a Harley Quinn jester suit as a cosplay which will hopefully be ready for Edmonton’s Comic Expo in September, if not I suppose I’ll be Wonder Woman again, and Harley shall wait until next year, but I am determined to get my Harley cosplay made, and so I shall cry and spend lots of money on fabric, as I mess up time and again trying to sew a spandex suit. Wish me luck guys!

At Last

I've always been a big fan of autumn, and I always will be. It's my favorite season. It's not too hot, and not too cold, and I can get away with snuggling up in a sweater, and drinking lots of hot drinks like Apple Cider, and even more tea than I already drink. Not to mention the colours are beautiful, and Pumpkin flavors are out. This all makes me very happy.

And with autumn quickly rolling in, it would seem that at last my funding fiasco is finally sorted out. I talked on the phone with a lovely lady from Service Canada today, and she got everything for my file finished. Which means that with any luck I will finally have money in the next 2 weeks. I cannot tell you the amount of stress I've been under not knowing, how I'll make rent, or how I'll manage to buy groceries, these past 2 months; and to finally have my funding coming soon, is a massive relief. I am very thankful for the friends who have helped me out through the hard times, and I am not ashamed to admit that I even reached out to the Food Bank here in Edmonton for help with groceries. 

Hopefully with everything being sorted out funding wise now, everything will start looking up. Just in time for the Edmonton Comic Expo too. I'm very excited for it this year, as Billy Boyd, Jenna Coleman, James Marsters, and John Noble are all going to be there. And I hope that I manage to make it turn into at least half of the expo experience I was wanting this year. I do know that a good cosplay is out of the question yet again, but I'm sure I'll be able to at least rustle up some sort of small one again this year. 

I hope September has started off on a good note for the rest of you as well, and wish you all a very happy autumn. 

Honesty.

Being honest.

Honestly I have always struggled with being happy. It often feels like being happy is so far out of reach, a foreign concept, a glitch of emotion, a fantasy.

I used to think that if and/or when I would fall in love it would solve all of my problems. What a silly notion it is to believe that you need someone to be happy. There is more to happiness, to life, than having a partner. One should be happy within themselves at all times, even through the dark and hard times that life brings everyone.

No one, not one person, walks the same path as another. We all have our own paths, our own journey, our own emotions and feelings.

I'm trying to find my way back to being happy alone. Yes being with someone is great. But my relationship status should not determine my state of being, nor should the hard times I'm struggling at the moment.

I believe in myself. I believe things WILL get better. I know things will get better. I will be happy again. I will stay strong. I will fight. I will live. I will love. I will win.

It's ok not to be 100% every day, all day. But I refuse to let myself give up. I will not give in to being a miserable git, all of the time. I can and will carry on. Life is hard. But life and it's chaos are beautiful, and things are always changing. It may seem slow, but I have faith that all will be well. Honestly.

I'm Latching on Babe

9:00pm

Wow, August is just zooming on by. Finally I have things in motion for funding while I’m in school. I just need to try and manage to get a hold of my Records of Employment tomorrow, and fix my direct deposit information and then hopefully they will complete my application and I should have money in the next 2 weeks - hurrah!

Funding aside, I thought it might be fun to do a bit of a different blog today. A long time ago, a few YouTuber’s did a tag about “being single” I believe it was a Dating Tag of sorts…so in short basically I’m just going to be answering the questions. I have no idea if this will be of any interest to you guys at all so I apologise if it is not.

1.      Do you believe in love at first sight?

Not really, no. I believe in LUST at first sight for sure, but you can’t really know a person just by looking at them, and I believe that there is a lot more to love then someone’s appearance. This is just my opinion, I am not trying to rain on anyone’s parade!

2.       What do you do for Fun?

I like to do lots of stuff I guess, for example: Reading, writing, going to the pub, watching movies/TV shows, hanging out with friends, shopping, pestering my pet Guinea Pigs, baking, singing badly and off key when home alone, dancing in the shower…

3.       Do you want/or have any children?

I do not have children, and yes I would like children in the future.

4.       What are you looking for in a relationship?

Trust, honesty, loyalty, love, kindness, respect, laughs, friendship…

5.       What is one thing about yourself that you would like me (I’m assuming potential boyfriend/girlfriend here) to know?

I am ridiculously into BBC Drama’s, or anything British really for that matter. So bad that you may come to see it as a sickness or addiction, hence my heads up now.

6.       If you won a lottery, how would you spend your millions?

First of all a horrible and cliché answer for our generation, I would pay off my debts. Secondly I would give some to my family, and a few VERY close friends (you should know who you are), thirdly I would buy a house in Scotland (this part would go into so much more detail), and fourthly I would TRAVEL!!! (Fifth but certainly not least, I would also donate some of my money to charities)

7.       Who was the first crush you ever had?

I don’t know if this qualifies, but I did have a “boyfriend” named Andrew when I was 3 years old, he lived a few houses down from me and we got married in his turtle sandbox and he gave me a ninja turtle ring of April. (This is when all of the boys liked me, and it would seem my luck changed from 4 years of age upwards…)

8.       You have 6 months to live, what do you do first?

I would sell all my belongings, except for my laptop, and whatever clothes I could fit into a backpack, and I would go backpacking across Europe and write about my journey as I went along. (Actually I suppose the first thing I would actually do is CRY my eyes out over the news, and then let my family know.)

9.       Are you a morning person, or night owl?

Well they say the early bird gets the worm, however I think I’m now a mixture of both. I used to be a night owl, and still tend to get cranky in the wee hours of the morning, however I like getting up early enough that I can enjoy a nice long full day, and I tend to go to bed around 11pm at the latest these days.

10.   If you have a friend coming over for dinner, what would you cook?

I guess it would depend on the friend coming over. I might make, Roasted Baby Potatoes with Rosemary and Sea Salt, and a side of Asparagus (or another veggie), and chicken. Or just order in a pizza or Chinese, and kick back with movies (or Doctor Who) ya never know.

Well that’s it guys, this concludes my blog. I hope for those of you who read all the way through that, it was somewhat entertaining…sorry if it wasn’t!

I would also like to take this time, to thank my neighbour (somewhere in my apartment building) who has an open Wi-Fi connection, that I am lucky enough to bum off of, every now and then (it’s not always available).

Reflection.

2:30 pm, Edmonton

I spent a good portion of my day so far reading a book called "Finding Fraser" if you're a fan of the Outlander series, or just Scottish things in general I do recommend you go pick it up. The novel is by KC Dyer.

It reminded me that I have my blog sitting here, and I felt like I'd neglected it for the last while. Although I feel I may not have many readers, it’s still nice to have this outlet to go to, to let out my reflections, and thoughts.

School has been going well so far, and I think I’m starting to get a better grasp on the things I struggle with. Math is proving to be the most difficult subject for me so far, which believe it or not shocked me. I’d always seen science as my worst subject in the past, and am surprised to find it is now math. That being said with calculators doing everything for us these days its only safe to assume my brain is no longer used to having to work so hard when it comes to numbers.

I feel that even though the days I am off from school tend to go by slowly, and hideously, because I spend them alone in my small bachelor apartment with my guinea pigs, or wander 15 minutes up the road to the library to use the internet (I don’t have internet access at home); that the rest of this year is going to fly by.

I did also manage to make my way to Oliver Square today and book some appointments for myself for next weekend, as I got my health benefits card in the mail yesterday. At last I can afford the dentist. So next Friday the 14^th at 4pm I will be going to the optometrists for an eye exam, and then next Saturday just before 1pm I have a cleaning and check-up at the dentists. It might seem strange to other people, but I am actually so excited for those appointments. Especially the dentist (don’t judge).

This past Thursday night I got to go and enjoy Edmonton Folk Festival, as my friend Karl had a spare ticket. I jumped at the chance to go because Of Monsters and Men were going to be performing, and I am a big fan of their music. It was an amazing night, and I won’t forget it.

In other news I am still trying to sort out all of my funding, so things have been pretty stressful of late, but I think I have most things figured out now, and hopefully it will all be fixed soon.

I hope to be back online with some more news soon.

Getting Impatient

Today was my 5th day of school, for the most part I feel OK, and time is actually going by so fast, but at the same time I almost feel its not going fast enough. I just want time to speed past and find myself getting impatient to be able to actually prepare for my move to Ireland. 2017 just seems so far away, and even though I know I will be busy for the next year and a half and time will go by fast...its just one of those days where I'm just ready for my tomorrow.

I know that I just have to keep in mind that though it may feel like it's not going fast enough at the moment, before I know it, it will be my tomorrow.

I was looking back on photo's from my time in England in 2010 and just made me even more impatient to be back over that way, that being said I know that it will come, and I just need to breathe, relax, and wait. Patience has certainly never been my strong suit. So to steal a note I made on my facebook and add some things to it, here is a list of things I must see/do in Ireland.

• Guinness Storehouse (Dublin)
• Trinity College (Dublin)
• Leprechaun Museum (Dublin)
• Skellig Michael
• Boyne Valley
• Ring of Kerry
• Giant's Causeway
• Aran Islands
• The Burren
• St. Patrick's Cathedral
• Dublin in general
• Killarney National Park
• Wicklow National Park
• Galway
• Donegal
• The Rock of Cashel
• Doolin in County Clare
• The Dingle Peninsula
• Cork
• Waterford
• Bray
• Norther Ireland
• Blarney Castle
• Howth Head
• Moycullen Bogs
• Clare Island
• Westport
• Sligo
• Glenveagh National Park
• Letterkenny
• Limerick

I'm sure there is A LOT more to see and do in Ireland, if any of you have been there and have any suggestions don't be afraid to let me know! :)